I Continue To Hurt Myself Today: IE How Am I This Clumsy

Seriously. Can someone please help me with me problem?
Clumsy people, unite!
Stop! You’re about to trip- No! There’s- Wait!
‘Kays, so maybe clumsy people uniting isn’t the best of ideas….
Let me explain what I’ve done to myself today-

• I walked into a door. Not that bad, you’d think, right? People walk into doors all the time. It’s hilarious but not a big deal. WRONG. I walked into an OPEN door. Yeah. I don’t even know how that happened, but I walked into it. In a crowded doorway… hall… place-y building thing… Who walks into an open door. Honestly, woman! There’s like, this much space you have to walk and this little space you have to walk into the open door. (Forgets you can’t see her hand motions)
•  I dropped an intensely heavy bag on my foot today. Yep. I was sliding it off my shoulder to set on the floor but it dropped… on my foot. Go me!
•   I was doing the Cotton Eyed Joe (don’t ask me why! *glares, quellingly*) and jammed my finger backward on my foot. Now it’s swollen and crooked and it flipface hurts to type. Rawr.

And that is just today. I’ve stubbed fingers and toes countless of times, tripped over nothing thousands of times, I am a disaster waiting to happen. I’ve nearly fell down stairs multiple times if it wasn’t for my quick reflexes (hehe, pats self on back) grabbing the railing I might’ve broken my neck falling down stairs (I exaggerate.).
I recall a time when… (Story time!)
I was… umm… how old? Maybe three to five-ish. So I was wearing a footie pajamas and it was late at night. I really wanted a glass of milk (yeah, I’m one of those people that like milk. Numnumnum.) and my parents were still awake downstairs. So I put one foot down on the top step…. And fell all the way down the stairs.
So began a long and industrious career of clumsy self harm!
Some of my shining moments include:

• Leaning back on a chair only to find that the back was on the side. Yeah. Fell off the chair backwards, slammed my head against a garbage can (or maybe it was the corner of a table, the details are a bit murky…) and the floor.
•  Falling off a fence. I concussed myself and possibly blacked out for a minute. I had to get a CAT scan or something… In all fairness, I had just spent the entire week horseback riding for the first time and for all of you that have never first horseback rid… HOLY CRAPSTICKS. You sincerely ask yourself if you actually have leg muscles. Because your legs? Jelly. I also spent the previous night running around this huge campus for a stupid game I had to play. It was gross. I had an awkward small little bald patch there for a while… I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT. HUSH YOUR FACE.
• Fell asleep on the bus- slammed my head against the window. This has happened so many times that I can’t even. It hurts so much. (So I drew pictures for this and they sucked but I was going to put them in anyway, but Blogger decided today was a good day to be an ass and I couldn't format them in correctly. Thank you, Blogger, you arsefacehole.)
• Literally, every time I shave, I cut myself accidentally. (If you ever say that you cut yourself, you always have to say by accident or it sounds a little sketchy and worrisome.)

I am too lazy to go on... so yeah. There you are. Klutz am I.
Tell me your accident stories, so I don't feel awkwardly way too clumsy!